Speaking of practice stories (a la Don Miller), here are a bunch of recipes I tested pre-Thanksgiving in search of something worthy of reproducing for a crowd. Most were good, some were great, none were real winners. This experience of searching for "the one" (in this case, just a healthy-ish recipe good enough to serve for Thanksgiving) leads me to conclude:

- we must need many, many practice stories before landing on the right fit. I could try all 77 of these recipes and wind up with one or none or lots of winners. You never know until you try, but so far, I'm 0 for 4 on that list. In an unrealistic Julie & Julia-esque moment, I thought I'd work my way through all 105 of these recipes. I got through 13 and happily found one winner that made it all worth it.

- this gambling style approach is incredibly inefficient. Although there are already some parameters in place (in this case, healthy holiday recipes) it's just too time consuming to keep pulling the slot machine, never knowing when you might turn up a winner.

- narrowing the search field leads to better results. At least that's what the librarians say :) No more needle in a haystack; refine is the new game. So this must be true of dating, job searching, etc., right? I thought broader meant better (more open-minded) and narrow meant close-minded. Why should I discount people or opportunities just because they don't match my list of search criteria? (what even are my search criteria?) Wouldn't it be a great surprise to have something or someone wonderful defy all my preconceived notions?

- too many options is paralyzing. In the past, this has contributed to me sitting back, relieved to be sought (in employment, or in a relationship), instead of doing the hard work to figure out...exactly what do I want? and then pursuing it. Not a good excuse, leaving me in the end with only myself to blame.

- the best search field, also the most efficient and anti-paralyzing (err...mobilizing), is God's search field. He's already put certain parameters in my heart. It seems to me, if I could tune in more clearly to God's plan, try to see things through His lens, quiet down my matrix mentality...and learn to trust what's in my heart - because, after all, God put it there - I could bypass the headaches, expedite my happiness, be of greater use to everyone, and just get on with things.

Clearly the favorable option, God seems in this light like the ultimate decision-making strategy :)

Finally, four practice stories not to be repeated:

Butternut Squash Risotto Made for my mother after the soup fiasco. Too bland and filling for Thanksgiving.

Warm red cabbage salad Made sans cheese. Debuted at Thanksgiving unsuccessfully.

Shredded Brussels sprouts & apples good test drive but realized too late it's not a good make-ahead recipe.

"All of life is an experiment.
The more experiments you make the better."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Cilantro, Lemon and Corona Bean Salad a definite keeper. It made me realize the winning combination in my mom's bean salad or Jose's ceviche (woe to those who don't eat shrimp!): lemon juice, olive oil, red onion, cilantro, salt + pepper. As far as I'm concerned, you can't go wrong with those ingredients. I didn't have corona beans so I made this with a combination of fava beans and chick peas.

Fig and olive chicken Chicken Marbella was such a hit that I made this very similar recipe. It's basically a tweaked version of the real one (figs instead of prunes, balsamic instead of red wine vinegar). It was fine but not as good as the original, and left me thinking...

Why change something that's already perfect to begin with?

I like to think that's what God thinks about me when looking down at me, lost in some puddle of regret, convinced I've wrecked everything but might stand a chance if only I could tweak or swap or eliminate a few of my ingredients....

My Shadow
- Robert Louis Stevenson

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,  

And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.  

He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;  

And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.

 

The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow—  

Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow; 

For he sometimes shoots up taller like an india-rubber ball,  

And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.

 

He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,  
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.  
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;  
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!

One morning, very early, before the sun was up,  
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup; 
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,  
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

This song makes chastity hard.

I love when {I notice} the past and future reconnect. I suppose they are always connected in ways that I just can't see. Somehow I need to accept the grandeur and mystery of it all and be patient for the storylines to emerge. Occasionally, something starts to almost make sense, like vaguely seeing something in the distance before it comes into focus. Like catching a glimpse of that invisible thread that's been woven into an almost visible fabric.

In 2009, I visited the St. Anne's basilica in Quebec where I took these pictures. At the time, I thought the windows represented various religious values, but looking at them now, I wonder if they represent spiritual disciplines...maybe it's both [zeal, prayer, word of God, humility, faith, chastity, prudence, work, religion, contemplation, hope, patience, charity, prophesy, penitence, strength, wisdom, perfection, love of God].

Funny, I couldn't manage to get a clear image of the chastity window because it was blocked by a pillar. The lighting was bad so the flash went off making the picture ugly. Actually, two pillars obstructed my view and the light's ability to shine through the lily, a symbol that particularly captivates me so I wanted to see it fully.

Real intimacy isn't picture-perfect like in movies or God forbid in porn, something I have minimal experience with for the record ;) but keeps coming up in various sermons (like part two of Andy Stanley's amazing series, or this one by high school classmate Dave Swain of Highrock). There's bad lighting and lumps and defective parts and scenes that nobody would want to watch and especially not rewind, unless it were a comedy, like that time I tried to kiss B....

I know that my intimate relationships over the years have prevented me from Intimacy with God. I've never been able to get close enough, to see clearly enough, because my view was always obscured. I positioned myself that way, letting something or someone come between - or before - my relationship with God. Crazily, I thought more than once that a man might bring me closer to God, which is what I was really longing for all along. Meanwhile, I was missing out on deeper intimacy with God, the man in question, or with myself - kind of a lose/lose situation.

So, it's official, my spiritual discipline of choice is...chastity. Rarely are decisions obvious to me but this one was (so I know it's what I need to do). May all decisions be so clear!

Love this song, love this singer, loved seeing it live last Friday! Particularly into the title "where feet may fail" given my series of missteps....

Trying to take care of mumma, post-surgery. Although she doesn't have dietary restrictions, I figured it would be easier on her system and free up more energy for her recovery if I kept things dairy-free + gluten-free.

Chicken Marbella Possibly the best recipe ever. My mom, dad, and I all loved this one sooo much that I think I would have paid the entire Threshold tuition just for this recipe. Thank you, Louise! Amazingly dairy-free + gluten-free :)

Cider-braised chicken One of my few go-to recipes. I've made it several times and never get tired of it. Love the caraway. It always turns out, even when I didn't have cider, a key ingredient! Once I added a diced potato but it's better without and served with rice. Perfect dish for fall.

Lentil soup The Barefoot Contessa is so reliable.

Mushroom and apple quinoa By the same folks as the cider-braised chicken recipe. Lots of nice ingredients but nobody asked for it again.

Sweet potato pie This one was a bit of an experiment and came out better than I expected. I substituted unsweetened coconut milk for the cream and omitted all the sugar (both white + brown). It still came out sweet and tasted great with vanilla ice cream, err...coconut sorbet. I didn't make the crust, so I cheated there, but the filling is vegetarian + dairy-free = vegan + gluten-free.

Finally, attempting to do anything for my mom reminds me of the final word on gifts for mothers:

My first spiritual discipline, though I wouldn't have called it so at that time: an elimination diet. Akin to fasting. A purification process. For two months (mid-July-mid-Sept 2012) I did not consume any:

1. Gluten
2. Dairy 
3. Alcohol 
4. Shellfish
5. Nuts
6. Corn
7. Egg
8. Citrus
9. Fish
10. Soy

The entire process took over a year, reincorporating each item individually to isolate any potential reactions. It was interesting, helpful, and strangely fun. A project, and I love projects. (Not to be confused with fads, which I don't love!) Another step in my whatever-it-takes-to-get-me-out-of-this-place process that I'm trying to chronicle here.

Emotionally, it was exciting to take on a challenge - one that I asked for, one that was specifically designed for my benefit - and stick with it. Since my previous efforts seemed to continually backfire, it felt so good to get positive, immediate results: better digestion, bigger repertoire of food, better understanding of health. I felt cleaner, lighter, brighter. My confidence increased. I convinced myself that the perimeter of my face had a healthy glow, even if my rosacea persisted.

Most importantly, it was an action that led to a better mindset. It shifted my daily focus from frustrations and failures to health and little victories!

Happily, I was at this very show last Saturday! Thanks, B :)

Alissa Smego Bigelow, beautiful almost sister, tiny dancer, star of the show. Today is your funeral. I think you might have liked a dance party, but what do I know. Almost nine years have passed since I saw you last. My heart broke when I heard the news.

Effervescent, you were just like champagne. Bubbly, irresistible, bold, so full of light, nothing but the finest. Overflowing with joy, or so it seemed. "A real twinkle in her eyes", I remember Mr. Bigelow saying.

When I was sick after surgery, it was your father who gave me advice, and your cooking that brought back my appetite. With your marinated flank steak, you nursed me back to health when I felt sick. If only I could have, someone could have, done the same for you.

After I'd been far away for a long time, you welcomed me back so warmly. I felt out of place and you made me feel like a special guest. Wherever you've been, whatever happened, I can now only trust God to welcome you back home, Alissa.

Without your daughter and husband, I think too many of your little bubbles burst and you went flat. It's a mystery what you felt behind those sparkly eyes. I wish for the air back in your lungs and the spring back in your step.

Listening to and watching Ruby Tuesday again (below), I'd like to dedicate it to you, Alissa. May you be free from disappointment, free from hurt, free from pain. May the burdens of your heart vanish. May you dance in a soft field of forgiveness. May God wrap you in love and lay you down to rest in the peace you didn't find here on earth.

And may there be a feast with champagne and steak and cake, just like on your wedding day.

This piece sent a barrage of arrows straight to my heart. It grabbed my insides, called my name, and brought me to tears. It rang the same bell that was already ringing inside me to the point I couldn't stand the clanging.

Whitney Jensen NAILED it, her timing impeccable, her long blonde hair so striking, her body both liquid and solid. What I would give to have her on video.

I went back as many times as I could, each time hoping to see her again. Here's another dancer whose interpretation has a different, dreamy quality. I prefer Whitney's authority over this fragility, but no matter how many times I've watched it, I'm still spellbound at moment 2:34. (Side note: I wish the camera had zoomed out; to me, the gestures detract from the larger piece and changed the focus from free to lost.) Given that this version is older, it may be closer to the choreographer's original intent, but I am partial to Whitney's fresh light and power.

Looking back at my ticket stub, March 2012, helps me retrace that was during the era when things felt relentlessly hard. I felt unbearably trapped. Painfully aware of time (life) lost, "at such a cost." Nightmares kept me from resting. Day and night felt like a perpetual no exit. I actually felt poisoned, like I needed a bloodletter or witchdoctor or ghostbuster. I was exhausting myself trying so hard to stop it. Yet every time I'd try to step out, I'd fall flat. Literally. 3 ankle sprains in 9 months. Splat on Mass Ave. Down the stairs at school. Barely out my front door. Hardly the dancer I am at heart!

Thank God for putting me back on my feet.

The song that got the ball rolling, at long last, exactly one year ago today. Not sure what took me so long, but I sure was ready when the time came.

ps: of course, what took me so long was that I kept missing the mark, and only when I finally went straight to God did things start moving.

Danielle Laporte, author I love, on strong, vulnerable men (something else I love):

"With the phenomenal — and I do mean phenomenal — combination of strength and vulnerability, the men carried the women. Those dudes could have powered a major city with their energy — fierce, proud, soft....

If The Masculine has confidence without tenderness, it can turn to arrogance. And then there’s no real invitation for The Feminine to show up. And all softness with no fierceness, well that doesn’t give The Feminine a very safe resting place to unfold — and what The Feminine really, really wants to do, is unfold."

That's what I'm talking about ;)

Sunshine Song

Look at me now!

I actually reminded myself - in a good way, for a change! - of one of my all time favorite songs. Though my memory card was full that night, I managed to capture one of the many best parts of his show last September 2012:

Full song: