My students taught me a nifty saying they learned from their elementary school teacher: "you get what you get and you don't get upset." This works well in school and is generally helpful, I think, except when it comes to dating. I'm thinking it's time to try getting what I want.

It's been nearly 12 months of intentionally abstaining from dating, which doesn't sound like very long, but sure feels like it at my age when there's constant messaging about time running out. I've enjoyed rebelling against that pressure and taking time to pause and collect myself. This  reunion is one that's been well worth attending.

I didn't think I'd make it to the recommended one year off but suddenly I'm almost there. This whole thing started as a short-term assignment that I happily extended through the school year, and now I don't want to emerge from my cloister until I figure out a few things. A friend suggested I make a list of what I'm looking for - not the typical stuff, like I want a dashing prince charming to sweep me off my feet - but the traits or values I'm really seeking in a partner. Plus a list of things that would be "nice to have." So, aiming high...

1. Positive
Realistically optimistic. No mockers or toppers (waiting their chance to one up your story). Willing to see the best and doesn't assume the worst.

2. Patient
With me and my slow flow, with change, with others. No honkers. I'm looking for quality time, second to words of affirmation (see below). Some things just can't be rushed.

3. Communicative
Passionately so. Great with words. Shares my need to talk things through, and then some. Writes. Listens. Reads between the lines. Asks good questions.

4. Growth-mindset / Learner
Curious. Open. Interested. Someone who sees life as a learning process. Whose mind is continually refining itself. Who can (gently) nudge me to do better.

"The only real elegance is in the mind; if you've got that, the rest really comes from it." - Diana Vreeland

5. Healthy
No need to be a gluten-free vegan cross-fit marathoner who doesn't drink, but I do need someone active who makes good choices all around. I'll get grossed out if he eats-drinks-does yucky stuff.

"Natural" is a close contender, sort of like a clean hippie. Or maybe a cosmic Christian cowboy, wrangling ideas on the great frontier:

"I feel quite foolish sometimes when I pray / But my thoughts are all I got so I try to make 'em brave" - Jason Mraz

6. Spiritual and  religious (Christian)
I put this in the middle of the list because it really is central to me. Coming to faith, so to speak, has been so life-saving for me that it's got to be at the heart of my relationship. The idea is to share a faith -not fear- based life. (and a life-based faith)

7. Financially afloat
I don't need Richy Rich but I do not want to get tangled up in someone else's debt (been there). Also, we're going to have to see eye to eye on money management, which I think comes more easily with folks from similar financial backgrounds and/or share the same future goals.

8. Honest-Trustworthy-High Integrity
This should be in the non-negotiable category, but I think it's easily taken for granted when it actually requires special attention to notice those gray zones that are really red flags. Honesty is a habit - part of the permanent collection, not a special exhibit. Give me a man of his word.

9. Smart
It's nice to look up to someone in this area but ideally we would see each other as intellectual equals, though maybe in different areas, so we can each take our turn to shine. The catch is we need common interests to drive conversation and spark intellectual intimacy.

10. Relational
We're all relational, so family or outwardly focused may be what I'm after here. Someone generally more concerned with others than with himself. Who genuinely likes people, values relationships, and naturally reaches out to others, even strangers. Who would drop everything if his loved ones needed something (chosen family is acceptable substitute for family of origin).

11. Adoring
Accepting - of most folks, but especially me - just the way I am, without endeavoring to change me. Values what I have to say. Responds when I call-text-email. Attentive. Caring. Concerned for my well-being. Notices.

12. Disciplined
Serious work ethic. Or I will fling hot spinach in his face.

Humble, Gritty, Thoughtful, Kind (consistently, and a little more than necessary), the list goes on...

Non-negotiable:
-Non-smoker
-No long nails (barf)
-Attraction. You know, sparks. I used to put this in the category below, but I need to prioritize someone I can kiss out of desire, not consolation.

Would be nice to have:
-Animal lover
-Creative
-Outdoorsy
-Handyman
-Bonus for beards (and no shaved chests, blech! see "natural" above)
-Fun...I need to have more
-Reader
-Dreamer
-Protective
-Generous
-Dances with me
-Taller than me
-Tattoo-free
-Likes classical music
-Good with kids
-Encouraging
-Sense of humor
-Willing to give me foot rubs
-Better than me with technology (not hard)
-No coffee...it's a waste of good breath.
More details available upon request :)

How about this: I want what I  want and you don't get upset!

Everyday, I brush my hair with the comb from your wedding, pink with your name in green: Alissa. I look at the shells on my dresser from times we spent together. Admire the little flowered box from South Africa that still contains the butterfly necklace you gave me. Did I ever say thank you?

I'd like to knock gently on your door and turn on a soft light. Is anybody home? I know you left long ago, but would you like to talk? We could walk along that passageway together. Just around the bend it starts to open up a little. Not too bright just yet, and not too fast, although I know you're quick.

Yesterday was the day, so the papers say, or was it the day before?

Years before then, over Columbus Day weekend, just a few days from now, looping through time and space... I remember seeing countless monarch butterflies making a stopover in a special place that you know well, an altogether magical event. You might have seen it, too. They were traveling en masse in transit from North to South during their great fall migration.

Delicate creature, little and strong, floating like the autumn leaves, bright, beautiful, laced with dark edges. You disappeared in your solo flight, a crash landing with no return. Now let's open this box and let you go. After all, you're already gone.

I invite someone to challenge my thinking here with an unexpected outcome of my nearly one year off. I thought I'd be "ready" after all this time, but it turns out that I have little (to no) interest in having a boyfriend, and barely see any use in having a one, except as someone:

- to put my feet under when they're cold
- to update my computer
- to check the house when I get spooked.

At this point, these are the few attractive features I can see a boyfriend contributing to my life, which could easily and respectively be fulfilled by a dog-geek-robot. Of course, "usefulness" is not the way to evaluate people, but that's a topic for another post. In the meantime, I hope someone will prove me wrong!

The perfect ending to back to school night!