Guardrails
Your conscious should light up when:

1. it dawns on you that your core group isn't moving in the direction you want your life to be moving

2. you catch yourself pretending to be someone other than who you really are

3. you feel pressure to compromise

4. you hear yourself say "i'll go, but i won't participate"

5. you hope the people you care about most don't find out where you've been or who you've been with

Question for decision making. Ask it!

In light of my past experience

my current circumstances

my future hopes and dreams

What is the wise thing to do?

On the topic of not repeating mistakes of the past, and starting over, exactly what I'm beyond ready to do:

1. Own it
2. Rethink it
3. Release it

My word is weaving itself into the year, starting here!

* You make peace with your past by owning your piece of your past
* How far into your future do you intend to carry the angst created in your past?
* My past will remind me, not define me
* Release the past, so the past can release you
* Forgiveness allows us to leverage the lessons of the past without lugging around the luggage

Heavenly Father,

I believe you will use this

until you choose to remove this.

Grant me wisdom to see as you see

and strength to do as you say.

I love when {I notice} the past and future reconnect. I suppose they are always connected in ways that I just can't see. Somehow I need to accept the grandeur and mystery of it all and be patient for the storylines to emerge. Occasionally, something starts to almost make sense, like vaguely seeing something in the distance before it comes into focus. Like catching a glimpse of that invisible thread that's been woven into an almost visible fabric.

In 2009, I visited the St. Anne's basilica in Quebec where I took these pictures. At the time, I thought the windows represented various religious values, but looking at them now, I wonder if they represent spiritual disciplines...maybe it's both [zeal, prayer, word of God, humility, faith, chastity, prudence, work, religion, contemplation, hope, patience, charity, prophesy, penitence, strength, wisdom, perfection, love of God].

Funny, I couldn't manage to get a clear image of the chastity window because it was blocked by a pillar. The lighting was bad so the flash went off making the picture ugly. Actually, two pillars obstructed my view and the light's ability to shine through the lily, a symbol that particularly captivates me so I wanted to see it fully.

Real intimacy isn't picture-perfect like in movies or God forbid in porn, something I have minimal experience with for the record ;) but keeps coming up in various sermons (like part two of Andy Stanley's amazing series, or this one by high school classmate Dave Swain of Highrock). There's bad lighting and lumps and defective parts and scenes that nobody would want to watch and especially not rewind, unless it were a comedy, like that time I tried to kiss B....

I know that my intimate relationships over the years have prevented me from Intimacy with God. I've never been able to get close enough, to see clearly enough, because my view was always obscured. I positioned myself that way, letting something or someone come between - or before - my relationship with God. Crazily, I thought more than once that a man might bring me closer to God, which is what I was really longing for all along. Meanwhile, I was missing out on deeper intimacy with God, the man in question, or with myself - kind of a lose/lose situation.

So, it's official, my spiritual discipline of choice is...chastity. Rarely are decisions obvious to me but this one was (so I know it's what I need to do). May all decisions be so clear!