I was recently called "chaste princess." It was intended to challenge Disney-inspired notions of a helpless, wide-eyed girl locked in a tower awaiting savior from her liberating prince, and to challenge limiting gender roles ascribed by an antiquated society. In promotion of social justice and gender equality, favorite issues of the Unitarians. Or so he said...
Really, it was to overturn my commitment to chastity, the spiritual discipline I chose 5 months ago and have been enjoying since, to suit his wishes. Liberation seemed to be used as a euphemism for please me ! "Release your repressed self" is a nice invitation but I was not up for this call to the wild. It felt like a different version of the fantasy of a harem of virginal babes awaiting the man in heaven, just replaced with a pack of women who run with the wolves ferociously devouring their prey. Submission and dominance are really two sides of the same coin (control) and this case of repression/liberation seemed to rotate around a similar SON. Thank you, but your wish is NOT my command.
I wondered if I put myself in a role that is a product of a unhealthy society. If I'm hiding under the guise of discipline and protection when really it's just another form of bondage. If this self-imposed limitation is really keeping me repressed and out of touch with my true desires. If I'm taking myself too seriously. If this prim thing is hindering my growth. After all, shouldn't I be out dating and mating with an eye for a spouse? Exploring my longings so as to know myself better?
I'm thinking that intimacy is loving the person "as is", meeting them exactly where they are, joining them in that place (palace), and traveling together wherever you want to go. Not corralling someone your way, and definitely not casting judgements out of one side of your mouth, while pronouncing acceptance and freedom from inhibition out of the other side of your mouth.
The next day, I went to see Boston Ballet's then-current show which happened to be Cinderella. That's when God stepped in with something to say on the whole matter. Perpetually late, my mom and I had to watch the first act from a screen in the lobby, which gave me a chance to wander the gift shop and enter our names into a raffle. It was a treat to go to the ballet, and Scott helped validate this indulgence by asserting that we need to honor our gifts and loves in order to be fully alive and present to God.
Whaddya know, several days later I get a call that I won that raffle. I was so excited (with a twinge of regret that my mom didn't win). The caller asked for my tee-shirt size and told me that, although they didn't have my size, she'd put the package in the mail straightaway (then I regretted not asking for my mom's size).
Today - April Fool's Day - my package arrived, priority mail, 1-day delivery (better than my birthday!). Inside, there was a tee-shirt for Cinderella in my size, and a shoe-horn, of all things, that somewhat old-fashioned tool used to help shoes go on better. Interestingly, "shoehorning" is defined as "the act of coercing or pressuring an individual into a situation which does not leave enough room" or "to force someone to take one of a limited number of positions." Doesn't sound very liberating to me ;)
I feel like God was having a laugh with the whole thing, especially this hot pink shoehorn. He called my name up and showered me with a gift as if to say: Cinderella, this one's for you. I know your ways . Your favorite blue. Your tendency to overwork (and then resent) like an Enneagram type 1. Here's to you, just as you are. So, to that aforementioned comment, God gave the rebuttal, the sanction, the final word. He extended an invitation that's easy to step into, because after all...
IF THE SHOE FITS, WEAR IT!
He really got the last laugh with this one :)
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