The books Wild at Heart and Captivating propose three core and interrelated desires that drive men and women (crazy). I frequently forget what they are, so for easy reference:

Wild at Heart (men):
- a battle to fight
- an adventure to live
- a beauty to rescue

This is easiest for me to remember by A-B-B: adventure, battle, beauty. (Thank you, Andrew!) Initially, I was imagining the adventure to be outdoors, but it could be in math, or music, or whatever gives that thrill of discovery and challenge. I think of the battle like a mission. As for the beauty, I just picture Murron in Brave Heart, sigh. A related question that apparently preoccupies men is: do I have what it takes?

Captivating (women):
- to be romanced (or pursued)
- to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure
- to unveil beauty

I'm having a hard time with these points, though there must be something to them since enough people I respect relate to these books and their premise. Related questions that apparently preoccupy women are: am I lovely (or captivating)? do you see me? do I have a beauty all my own?

The male and female points are intentionally linked to each other, by design, so that men and women can answer each other's longings. These books did a great job in establishing some ground work and will surely remain classics, but I personally feel limited by these three core motivations, and somehow have grown a little tired of this plot.

What is more interesting to me, at this point in my life, is Donald Miller's book Scary Close which feels to me like a fuller portrait of love, accounting for the myriad psychological influences that can disconnect us from ourselves and from others. All with his trademark easy-to-relate-to style and humor. Some of my favorite excepts include:

"Good friends do that; they guard each other when things get scary by putting themselves in between their friends and what could harm them." - Bob Goff (in the foreword) 

"Having integrity is about being the same person on the inside that we are on the outside, and if we don't have integrity, life becomes exhausting." (p.65) 

"A woman, though, can rob your manhood and reduce you to a boy at the drop of a word." (p.97)

"...more to do with keeping people contained that with setting them free. And I'm no fan of it." (p.124)

"...unless people feel safe around us, intimacy would never happen." (p.165) 

With this, I laughed out loud. A lot.
"I don't think men are as bad at intimacy as we might think. It's just that we get pressured to go about intimacy in ways that are traditionally more feminine, specifically we're asked to talk about it and share our feelings. We don't really want to do that." (p.188)

Though I didn't watch even one second of it, something lodged in my mind during the Superbowl and - shockingly, for the first time in my life - I've actually been thinking about football ever since. More specifically, I've been thinking about the job of the "receiver." Of course, I needed some education on the topic, so I consulted my local expert who explained to me the basics of the job: catch ball, run, pass, score.

Those steps might be out of order (something about not running with the ball), and what the difference is with a wide receiver, I couldn't tell you, never-mind other peculiarities like a tight end...but as for the all important job of a receiver, Wikipedia calls them:

a pass catching specialist, or someone whose principal role is to catch passes.

Isn't that what we need to set a game in motion - someone who is ready to play? Not just the one to kick it all off (trying out my new vocabulary, I believe that would be called the quarterback, but I could be wrong), but also the one who is ready and waiting to grab onto what's coming their way?

So often, things seem to fall flat - near misses, fumbles - and it gets discouraging out there on the field. Sports are dreadfully boring (to me), but a good receiver feels like a total game-changer, turning it into a I want-to-stay-in-this-game kind of game. The kind of quality working partnership that's worth getting started and continuing, like a dance, or a good conversation.

My year-long release, this free-flow pouring out, is great and all but much greater with a recipient of some kind. Granted, I'm not exactly hurtling flying objects at record speed. But even on my slow and subtle level, I still want someone to await this pass. With open arms.

Someone who can pick up exactly where and when and what is coming. Who can keep the whole thing in motion. Maneuver obstacles and get to the next safety zone. Who's aiming for me at the same time that I'm aiming for them. Who adjusts as necessary, because it's all about seeing and seizing that pass. In that moment. And then, who can take it a step further, or even run with it, or even score.

A receiver. Yes, please. Now I'm thinking that's a job actually worth those big bucks.

For Lent, I'd like to say I got rid of negative thinking, or striving, or managed to:

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander
along with every form of malice"

Ephesians 4:31

but I'm still getting rid of stuff (slightly obsessed). Somehow with every physical layer comes an emotional layer and it all feels like a big weight off. Originally I thought I'd do one item per day but it ended up being a big pile of 185 things to add to my running list, for a grand total of 365. Because every day matters.

It's actually hard to get rid of stuff, sometimes for logistical reasons and sometimes for emotional reasons. This lenten season was slightly different than my usual purge in that I tried to release more emotionally significant things, asking myself - really, why hang onto this? - something I think is worth questioning of every item in my house and especially in my heart.

I've seen too up close and personal how the inward environment gets manifested in the outward environment. Or how the outward environment mirrors the inner world. One mess can reflect a deeper mess, like strange Russian dolls, making us smaller with every layer. Living in that kind of cemetery is no kind of life for me. So, in the (belated) spirit of Easter, here's to opening tombs and any removing barriers to our inner and outer sanctuaries.

40 CDs
40 more CDs for school physics project
15 cases for school art project
3 gowns to school costume department
5 piles of clothes donated
2 more huge bags donated to Big Brother / Big Sister
2 clothing consigned
1 slipcover and the huge box it came in
1 big bag of Real Simple magazines
1 Print Gocco awesomeness
5 gifts
18 books
18 gifts for my seniors
1 picnic basket
5 pairs of shoes
3 DVDs
2 websites
4 products
1 planter
1 table
1 filing cabinet
1 big rug
11 years of sent email from 2015 -> 2005 (may regret this)
4 ex-boyfriend items, each from a different relationship spanning the past 17 years: a necklace re-gifted, a broken bracelet, a lovely little something, my home-made journal (but saved poem, since it's gorgeous, and since he became famous, ugh.)

Guardrails
Your conscious should light up when:

1. it dawns on you that your core group isn't moving in the direction you want your life to be moving

2. you catch yourself pretending to be someone other than who you really are

3. you feel pressure to compromise

4. you hear yourself say "i'll go, but i won't participate"

5. you hope the people you care about most don't find out where you've been or who you've been with

"Your life is limited; so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice."

- Steve Jobs

Revisiting an old favorite:

Sweet Darkness
...

Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive

is too small for you. 

- David Whyte

Question for decision making. Ask it!

In light of my past experience

my current circumstances

my future hopes and dreams

What is the wise thing to do?